Wag Kang Aalon

Nang mamatay si Jose ay dumiretso ang kanyang kaluluwa sa impyerno.  Dahil na rin sa sobrang kasamaan na ipinaghasik nito sa mundong ibabaw nung siya’y nabubuhay pa kaya sinalubong siya ng galak doon sa may papasok ng impyerno, kung saan hinihintay siya ng kanyang usher na demonyong aalalay para sa mga bagong salta na katulad niya…

Demonyo:  Welcome sa impyerno… Pasok! Pasok ka Jose! Ikinagagalak ka namin dito hehehe… At dahil espesyal ka… ikaw ay papipiliin naming ng isa sa tatlong pinto at kung saan mo magustuhan ay doon ka na tatambay sa panghabang panahon mong itatagal dito sa jurisdiction ni Boss Taning…

Jose:  hmmm… ano kaya yan?  Matinding apoy?

Demonyo:  Hindi naman… tatlong lugar dito sa impyerno para sa ubod ng sama na katulad mo.  Tandaan mo lang pag nakapili ka na ng lugar ay hindi na maaaring magpalit… Intiendes?

Jose: Ok.

Lumapit ang demonyo at ang akay na si Jose sa unang pinto.  Habang papalapit sila ay naririnig ni Jose ang mga palahaw ng iyak na nasa loob nito…

Jose:  Naku, mukhang matinding torture ang nasa loob nitong pinto…

Pagbukas ng unang pinto ay tumambad kay Jose ang mga taong nagpapadulas sa isang giant slide na may mga nakadikit na blade na matalas doon mismo sa kahabaan ng padulassan, pagkatapos ang babagsakan ay isang malaking swimming pool na puno ng katas ng kalamansi…

Jose: Aray! Sa tingin ko pa lang mahapdi na… Teka yung pangalawang pinto naman…

Habang papalapit sila sa ikalawang pinto ay may naririnig silang mga nilalang na nagkakantahan at nagkakasiyahan sa loob…

“Wag kang aalon, wag kang aalon…”

Jose: Uy mukhang masaya dito.  Parang mas magugustuhan ko yata dito sa pangalawang pinto…

Pagbukas ng ikalawang pinto ay tumambad sa kanila ang mga tao na tumatawid sa isang malawak na ilog ng tae na hanggang leeg ng mga taong nagsisitawid sa ilog.

Jose:  Yuck! Kadiri! Kaya pala ung kanta eh wag kang aalon! Ayoko dito!  Lipat tayo dun sa pangatlo…

Pagbukas nila ng ikatlong pinto ay nakita nila ang mga andun sa loob.  Hanggang tuhod lang ang tae at mukhang abala sa kanilang mga ginagawa ang mga andun.  Mayroong nagyoyosi, umiinom ng alak, nagkakape, kumakain, nakaupo, nag-uusap at kung anu-ano pa.

Demonyo: Oh ano Jose, nakapili ka na ba kung saan kang pinto tatambay?

Jose: Oo!  Dito na lang ako sa ikatlong pinto… mukhang mas OK dito!

Sabay pasok na si Jose sa kwarto at nanghingi ng kung anu-anong ginusto nito. Nagyosi, nagkape, at nakipag-kwentuhan at nakisalamuha sa halos lahat ng andun.  Pagkaraan ng mahigit 20 minuto ay lumabas ang isang malaking demonyo na may hawak na isang bell at megaphone, pinatunog ang bell ng malakas at sabay sigaw sa kanyang megaphone:

“OKAY! TAPOS NA ANG BREAKTIME… SISID NA!”

First Blow Job...

ANAK NA LALAKI: "Itay nakatikim na po ako ng blowjob..."

TATAY: "Yahoo! Binata na ang anak ko... Anak, ano pakiramdam?"

ANAK NA LALAKI: "Masakit ho sa panga!"

First Love Never Dies

isang araw tinanong ni bunso kay nanay ang tungkol sa pag-ibig:

ANAK: "Inay, totoo po ba yung kasabihang - FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES?"

NANAY: "Oo naman anak... tignan mo ang tatay mo... buhay pa ang ANIMAL!!!"

 

Strict Advise...

An obese blonde with unhealthy overweight, went to the Doctor.

Her doctor put her on a diet with strict advise. " I want you to eat regularly for two days and then skip a day. I want you to repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Wow, this is amazing!" the doctor said, "So, you did follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded yes. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" The Doctor asked.

"No, from skipping", The Blonde explained.

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts...

Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,


"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,

"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"

"Results," shrugged Saint Peter....... ....

"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

***********

Moral of the story:

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

a must-read Love Story like no other...

A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with a guy who was a cleaner. When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it. Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two lovers but could not find them.




At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each other truly."


So in this way, their love won and they returned home. The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress. He was dressed in white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his wife, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after sometimes that she recovered from her shock. The funeral and cremation was the very next day because he had died horribly.


Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother ignored the dream. The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it. Then when the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash the clothes which have blood stains immediately.


She washed the stains but some remained. Next night she again had the same dream she again washed the stains but some still remained . Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains, and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained.


She was very tired. In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home, someone knocked the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old lady of her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted. The old lady woke her up... and gave her a blue object, which shocked the girl. She asked "What is this...?" The old lady replied...


"Gumamit ka ng TIDE. P6.50 na lang, mas pinalaki pa!"

Stevie Wonder in Concert at Tokyo, Japan...

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his
new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."

A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister,
you get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...
























"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."