First Blow Job...

ANAK NA LALAKI: "Itay nakatikim na po ako ng blowjob..."

TATAY: "Yahoo! Binata na ang anak ko... Anak, ano pakiramdam?"

ANAK NA LALAKI: "Masakit ho sa panga!"

First Love Never Dies

isang araw tinanong ni bunso kay nanay ang tungkol sa pag-ibig:

ANAK: "Inay, totoo po ba yung kasabihang - FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES?"

NANAY: "Oo naman anak... tignan mo ang tatay mo... buhay pa ang ANIMAL!!!"

 

Home - There and Back Again...

Saturday, September 15, 2007

I am packed. I brought my biggest bag and hopped the first bus going to Manila. I arrived around an hour and a half at Cubao to catch another ride to Batangas. Luckily I caught the bus just as it leaves the terminal for another long journey south of Manila. I was pretty much excited, I mean I am not pretty but I was really excited to go back home after 9 months. The last time I was there was a few days after new year, and I don't have any idea what to expect when I arrive.

The journey took another 2 hours. Traffic was slow, with bottlenecks near Magallanes, Bicutan, Alabang and almost all freeway exits at the South Super Highway. I wasn't expecting that I'd get stuck in traffic because I wasn't expecting major construction along the Highway. I was so confident that I would traverse the SLEX with the same enjoyment as I am experiencing while traveling at NLEX. I wasn't enjoying the bus ride anymore.

I arrived at Tanauan City minutes past four in the afternoon. This former sleepy town sure changed a lot during the past decade. but still I remembered the way to the market, where I am again hopping a ride, jeepney ride this time, one last ride before I reach the place where summer-filled happy memories were spent most of the time.

I saw that damn Korean who was trying to build a Spa near the volcano crater, as I was glancing the surroundings during my ride. He was feeling comfortable in his Benz. I just wish somebody would throw him inside the sulfur-rich crater lake of Taal so that he would understand how dangerous it is out there. Building a Spa near the volcano, with the town mayor as a cohort, shame on them.

A lot of changes has happened at my hometown. Although I grew up in Manila but I consider Talisay my hometown since I have always been fond of the place. One, it's near a lake and the world famous Taal Volcano. Two, I have most of my close relatives near me. And Three, I can spend most of my time near the lake.

The house was still the same, the kitchen is still being renovated, but most of it are in the final stages. It looks like a kitchen anymore, since I remember when I was young we used wood and charcoal to cook. and I definitely love to look at the tissue holder whenever I am doing my stuff in the CR, although it looked rusty right now. I am sure if it is used frequently or just plain dirty most of the time.

The house looks good, with only my uncle taking care of it. I wish I could stay there on a permanent basis. Breakfast consisted of hot coffee at the terrace with my dear uncle talking about what's happening around. After spending a night and gathering my things, the next day I prepared to go back to Pampanga. My 20 kilo backpack looks like I was dragging my self walking back to the main road to catch a ride, but the reality was I am really dragging my feet, my heart wants to stay but my body wants to leave.

How can I leave this place I consider paradise?

Strict Advise...

An obese blonde with unhealthy overweight, went to the Doctor.

Her doctor put her on a diet with strict advise. " I want you to eat regularly for two days and then skip a day. I want you to repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Wow, this is amazing!" the doctor said, "So, you did follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded yes. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" The Doctor asked.

"No, from skipping", The Blonde explained.

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts...

Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,


"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,

"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"

"Results," shrugged Saint Peter....... ....

"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

***********

Moral of the story:

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

Boob Tube Boo Boos Nostalgia

Got this from Nolstalgia site...

http://nostalgiamanila.blogspot.com/2007/02/memorable-70s-tv-quotable-quotes.html

MELANIE MARQUEZ
*During an interview with Inday Badiday.
Inday Badiday: "Paano ka nag-susurvive sa mga trials mo?"

Melanie Marquez: "Alam mo ate Ludz, you know, when you are alone, you really have to step your foot...ah , forward!"

SNOOKY
*Answering a question from the See-True Panel.
Snooky: "Ano kasi , she is, I mean she was, kasi past tense na nga pala..."

BB. PILIPINAS CIRCA '70s
Eddie Mercado: "Of the three titles at stake, which would you want to win?"

Finalist: "I want to win the Bb. Pilipinas Universe because it would be an honor to represent the Philippines in the whole Universe!"

ALMA MORENO
*Wrapping up a conversation with guest Joey Albert during her show Rated A.
Alma: "So Joey, paki ulit muli yung concert mo sa University of Belt."

DISCORAMA CONTESTANT
Joey : "Ano ang favorite movie mo, Tagalog o English?"

Discorama Girl contestant: "BOT!"

Vic: "So favorite mo talaga si Edgar Mortiz!"

MYRA MANIBOG
Joe Quirino: "Sharon, are you familiar with the current problems we have in the film industry?"

Sharon: "Sorry, Tito Joe, I'm afraid not."

JQ: "What about you Myra, what can you say?"

Myra Manibog: "Naku Tito Joe, I'm afraid also!"

MISS GAY PHILIPPINES CONTESTANT #1
Joey de Leon: "How are you?"

Miss Gay Philippines contestant: "How are you too!"

MELANIE MARQUEZ MISS INTERNATIONAL 1978
Eddie Mercado: "Angie Dickinson has insured her legs for a million dollars, would you also do the same?"

Melanie Marquez: "NO, of course no, because I am proud and contented with my long legged."
(With this answer, she bagged the crown and eventually won the Miss International in 1978.)

ATOY CO
Joe Cantada : "So Atoy, what are your prospects now, mukhang makakayanan kayo ng Toyota this coming semi-finals round..."

Atoy Co : "Well Joe, the ball is around!"
(Naghanap tuloy ng bola si Joe.)

ARNIE TUADLES
PBA anchor : So sino sa tingin mo Arnie ang may appeal sa iyong artista natin?

Arnie Tuadles (SLN): Si JEN siyempre!

PBA Anchor: Sinong Jen?

Arnie Tuadles: Si JEN SABURIT.

ANA MARGARITA GONZALES
*During Janice de Belen's debut on Germspesyal.
Kuya Germs: "Happy Birthday Janice. Ana, may sasabihin ka pa?"

Ana Margarita Gonzales (sister ni Kring-Kring): "Ilan taon ka na ngayon, Janice?"

KUYA GERMS
*During Tom Babauta's guesting on Germspesyal
Kuya Germs: "Do you love Philippines?"

Tom Babauta: "Yes Kuya Germs."

Kuya Germs: "Have you made love to a Filipina?"

LYDIA DE VEGA
*Interview after winning against PT Usha of India for the Century Dash in 1984 Asian Games.
Reporter: "What happened Lydia, mukhang bumanat ka sa ending."

Lydia: "Oo nga, mabilis siya, but you know, I ran and I fast!"

MADAM AURING
*During See True's New Year's presentation.
Ate Luds: "O sige ano na ang inyong prediction para kay Stella Strada."

Madam Auring: "Lalo siyang sisikat sa darating na taon at malalampasan niya ang kasikatan ni Alma Moreno!"
(The next day, the headlines read: Stella Strada Commits Suicide!)

MISS GAY PHILIPPINES CONTESTANT #2
Joey de Leon: "Ano sa tingin mo ang katangian mo na iba sa mga kalaban mo?"

Miss Gay Philippines Contestant: "Unang-una, isa akong tunay na babaeng Pilipina na handang maglingkod sa bayan. Alam ko na ang isang gay na katulad ko ay maaring maging halimbawa sa lipunan. Oo nga kami'y pinagtatawanan subalit may karapatan din naman kaming mabuhay para hindi lamang sa sarili kundi para sa mga taong aming mapaglilingkuran."

Joey: "So Ano nga ang katangian iba sa iyo?"

Contestant: "Palangiti ako."

Vic: "Kahit walang tao?"

COCA NICOLAS
Isang panelist sa See True: "Paano mo nabibigyan buhay ang pag-bobold?"

Coca Nicolas: "Pinaiinum ako ni Tito Rey ng FONDADOR."

MISS GAY PHILIPPINES CONTESTANT #2
Joey de Leon: "Ano ang masasabi mo sa katayuan ng mga katulad mo sa lipunan, sabi nila...blah, blah, blah..."

Miss Gay Phil Contestant: (panay ang ngiti at halatang kinakabahan...) "Unang una Joey at Vic, Magandang tanghali sa inyong lahat. Pwedeng pakiulit yung tanong?"

SUPER SI REYNA CONTEST
Emcee: "Anong masasabi mo sa death penalty?"

Contestant: A: "Ano po yun toot por toot, eye por eye."

Emcee: "Paki eksplika nga?"
Contestant: "Ganito po yun: kung pinatay mo ang nanay ko, dapat, patayin ko din ang nanay mo!"

LITTLE MISS PHILIPPINES CONTEST #1
Emcee: "Anong gusto mong maging paglaki mo?"

Contestant: "Maging lalaki po."

LITTLE MISS PHILIPPINES CONTEST #2

Emcee (to boy consort, inaalaska): "Okay 'tong suot mo boy, a!"

Boy consort: "T&~G #NA MO!"

MR. WORLD PHILIPPINES CONTEST
Emcee: "What do you think should a man possess to be successful?"

Contestant: "I think, that for a man to be successful, he should be a responsible, because if he should not be a responsible, he will not have a successful. That is all. I thank you."

EAT BULAGA'S HUSBAND AND WIFE COMPATIBILITY CONTEST
(Ala Newly Weds game show)
Host: "Misis, ano ang nilalagay ni Mister sa kanyang itlog tuwing umaga?"

Misis: "Johnson's Baby Powder!"

Taga Hugas namin ng pinggan...

Ang Anak ng Lasenggero

Merong isang lasenggerong tatay na may dalawang anak na lalaki. Yung tatay laging sinasaktan, sinisigawan, minumura yung mga anak nya.

Dumating ang pagkakataon nag kahiwalay yung dalawang magkapatid at matagal na hindi nagkita.

Yung panganay na anak lumaking lasengero, patapon ang buhay. Nung minsan tinanong yung panganay na anak.."bakit ganyan ang buhay mo?" ang sagot nya: "KASI ANG TATAY KO LASENGGERO, PABAYA"

Yung isang anak naman lumaking nakatapos ng pagaaral, maganda trabaho at mayaman, at tagumpay sa buhay. Nung minsan tinananong sya..."Sa tingin mo bakit ganyan ang buhay mo?" ang sagot nung bunso : "KASI ANG TATAY KO LASENGGERO, PABAYA"


LESSON of the STORY:

In life we make our own choices..... just like the two sons. They have both the same experiences from their dad....but look; they both have different status in life... they both have the same answer on why they lead their life like that…

The firstborn son, He chose the same path like his dad because of his experience with his dad.

The other son, He chose a different path because of his experience with his dad.

 
APPLICATION:

In any situation of our lives, be it good or bad, the results of our actions depend on the choices we make...

 

In LIFE......:

.....you can choose to get angry OR understand the other person.

.....you can choose to forgive OR get even

.....you can choose to be a working student OR accept you’re financially ill and can't finish Schooling

.....you can choose to rely on your credit card OR no credit card but relies on your available savings only.

.....too many examples to mention...

 

In REALITY….:

.....we need not to blame others for what we have in life now because the choices we make, draws our future



[from Don Bosco Mandaluyong H.S. Batch '92 Yahoogroups]

The Old Man and the Visa...

A 70-year old 'lolo' from the province was accompanied by a grandson to the US Embassy in Manila for his VISA interview.  The lolo spoke not a word of English so the grandson translated for him.  The Consul told the young man to ask his grandfather why he wanted to go to the States.

"Bakit daw ho ninyo gustong pumunta sa Amerika?" The grandson translated "Sabihin mo gusto kong makita yung mga anak ko doon."
"He said he wants to see his children there."

Fair enough, that's what the lolo's application indicated. The Consul had another question. "Ask him why does he have to go there? Why can't his children just come and visit him here?" The grandson translated this in Tagalog. Lolo replied: "Sabihin mo kasi dito pinanganak yung mga anak ko. Nakita na nila ang Pilipinas. Gusto ko namang makita ang Amerika bago ako mamatay." (Translation: "Tell him, my children were born here. They've seen the Philippines already. I just want to see America before I die.")

The HEARTLESS Consul was unimpressed as he declared, devoid of any emotion, that he was rejecting the visa application "because the
applicant was unable to speak any word of English." "Reject daw yung visa ninyo kasi hindi daw kayo marunong mag-Ingles."

The lolo was equally unimpressed. "Sabihin mo ito sa kanya at huwag na huwag mong papalitan ang sasabihin ko:

"Putang ina niya, bakit siya nandidito eh hindi naman siya marunong mag-Tagalog! ?"

Translated, "He said: You son of a bitch, how come you are here... you do not know how to speak in Tagalog!?"

Taken aback, sense of humor still intact, the consul relented and approved lolo's visa application in pronto.



















Taken from The Philippine Star (a newspaper in the Philippines), Written by Boo Chanco

a must-read Love Story like no other...

A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with a guy who was a cleaner. When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it. Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two lovers but could not find them.




At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each other truly."


So in this way, their love won and they returned home. The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress. He was dressed in white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his wife, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after sometimes that she recovered from her shock. The funeral and cremation was the very next day because he had died horribly.


Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother ignored the dream. The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it. Then when the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash the clothes which have blood stains immediately.


She washed the stains but some remained. Next night she again had the same dream she again washed the stains but some still remained . Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains, and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained.


She was very tired. In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home, someone knocked the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old lady of her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted. The old lady woke her up... and gave her a blue object, which shocked the girl. She asked "What is this...?" The old lady replied...


"Gumamit ka ng TIDE. P6.50 na lang, mas pinalaki pa!"

Stevie Wonder in Concert at Tokyo, Japan...

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his
new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."

A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister,
you get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...
























"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

@#%& the Koreans and Angie Reyes... destroying my hometown!

The construction of a spa on Taal Volcano in Batangas has halted amid the uproar from residents and some local officials who have decried the P72-million project as encroaching in a protected area, a GMA News report said Wednesday early morning.

GMA News reported that machinery being used to build the spa were no longer being operated as the Department of Environment and Natural Resources investigates if it is safe to erect a structure on the volcanic island.

The probe followed a warning from the Philippine Institute of Volcanology and Seismology that the volcano is active and its surrounding area is still classified as a "permanent danger zone."

"If it's declared a permanent danger zone then a permanent structure is not allowed. So if ever there is a permanent structure, that's a violation. And then we have to give them the notice of violation or stop the operation altogether," said Environment Secretary Angelo Reyes.

Taal Volcano last erupted in 1977.

Construction of the Taal Island Spa Resort started in late May in a partnership between Korean firm Jung Ang Interventure Corp. and the local government of Talisay town.

But the P72-million project, which is set to convert six hectares of land into sauna parlors, massage clinics, spas and other establishments, has already drawn fire from government and church officials.

Batangas Governor-elect Vilma Santos said there is “nothing wrong" with the project although she had reservations.

"There is nothing wrong with the development. People will be given jobs and the [local] economy will improve. Fine. But there are particular things to consider. And we are talking of constructing something on [a site considered] a national treasure," she said.

Radio station dzMM said that the mayors of the 12 towns that ring the volcano are set to discuss the issue.

Lipa City, Batangas Archbishop Ramon Arguelles has also objected to the construction of the spa.

"The island-volcano is a protected area. It should be protected and never be used commercially, especially by foreigners," Arguelles said.

Senator Pia Cayetano, chair of the Senate environment committee, further even questioned the grant of land titles in the volcanic island.

"I believe the bigger issue here is how come private individuals were able to acquire land titles to the volcano which should be public land? This has allowed commercial interests to encroach on Taal which is classified as a protected area under our laws," Cayetano said in a statement.

Talisay Mayor Florencio Manimtim, for his part, said the DENR itself granted an environmental compliance certificate (ECC) to the Korean company in November last year.

Manimtim claimed that even the late Phivolcs director Raymundo Punongbayan approved of the construction of a spa, saying the volcanologist made "marginal note" of approval in a letter dated Apr. 19, 2002.

But the letter only indicated the construction of a "tourist reception area" beside the Philvolcs Observatory in Taal and made no mention of a spa resort on the mouth of the volcano.

Stauro Punongbayan, son of the late Phivolcs director, in a television asked that his father not be "used" by interested parties in the issue.

Earlier reports further showed that the company failed to secure a water permit, thereby violating one of the conditions stated in the ECC.

“As a general rule, there should be no construction without a water permit. If that’s for a resort, for sure they will use water," said Elenito Bagalihog, water rights division chief of the National Water Resources Board.



- GMANews.TV

Saan ako Patungo???

Hawak hawak ang dalawang piraso ng Nestle Safari na binili ko sa 7/11, nagsimula kong lakarin ang kahabaan ng McArthur Hiway simula Balibago hanggang Dau. Alas dyes ng gabi. Walang gaanong kahulugan, bagkus ay isa lamang napag diskitahang gawin pagkatapos kumain ng arrozcaldo sa paboritong kong kainan/karinderya sa may kanto ng Mt. View. Mayroon akong hinahanap habang ginagalugad ang kahabaan ng kalsadang nag uugnay halos kalahati ng Luzon, simula sa bantayog ni Andres Bonifacio sa Kalookan, hanggang marahil sa Aparri ang pinaka dulo nito.


Apat na kilometrong lakaran sa isang lugar na hindi ko kinalakihan ngunit pilit na pinakikisamahan upang mabuhay ng mapayapa at matahimik. Ganito na yata ang kapalaran ko. Isang mahabang paglalakbay. Isang walang katapusang paglalakad, tungo sa kinabukasang wala pa ring malinaw na patutunguhan. Sa gabing yaon, siguradong alam ko ang aking pupuntahan, ngunit sa realidad ng buhay, ito’y maihahantulad sa isang madilim na kanto na walang kasiguruhan kung magkakaroon ng liwanag ang nagsisilbi nitong ilaw sa posteng nakatayo sa paligid.


Naalala ko tuloy yung naging paksa noong ako’y nakisali sa isang pagtitipon ng aking mga bagong nakilalang kaibigan…


"Ang pinakamadilim na oras sa magdamag ay yung kapag malapit ng magbukang liwayway", ika niya…


Marahil ito'y isang aral na matutunan na magpapatungkol sa magiging kapalaran ng aking paglalakbay.


Marahil sa madilim na lugar na aking tatahakin, isang maliwanag na patutunguhan ang kahahantungan.


Teka lang, eto na pala ang pila ng traysikel… sasakay na ko pauwi…

Gentlemen… Start your engines…

March 21, 2007


Another fast season has begun this year with the start of the Formula 1 season in Australia last Sunday. A lot of surprises have excited everyone, including such F1 newbies like me, of the forthcoming race season this year.


This year will be the first year of F1 season after Michael Schumacher, the most successful F1 driver so far, with 7 championship titles in his credit. The great ‘Schumi’ opted to retire at the end of last season after almost 20 years of unparalleled success on track, rewriting F1 records books in total number of championships, fastest laps, pole positions, podium finishes and race victories. This one man has made me a little bit curious about racing and F1, and my very late interest in Formula 1 racing has now grown into admiration in the fastest and one of the only “pure sport”(a sport wherein the competition is decided on who came first to the finish line and no judges to modify the outcome). F1 is a spectacle in almost the whole world, can even rival the World Cup, and is widely accepted in all continents including Asia(which has Japan, China, Malaysia, Turkey, and Bahrain as Grand Prix hosts), excluding the Philippines which so much dwell mostly on basketball.


A lot of critics observed that this year’s season might be a boring one with the departure of Schumacher, but the first race proved otherwise. Expectations were high on Ferrari, with Kimi Raikkonen jumps aboard from McLaren, replacing the ‘irreplaceable’ Schumi, and teaming up with the promising Felipe Massa. Kimi did his job well, starting first on the grid, left everyone to dust, and winning his 10th F1 race and 1st as member of the scarlet team. Massa was 6th place after staring last on the grid with a gearbox problem in qualifying, and changing engines overnight which accounted to minus 10 places on the grid. Ferrari made a statement that they are still a force to reckon with even without Michael, and from the looks of last Sunday’s race… it looks like everyone might have to inhale all the dust and smoke that the team will leave behind as they ‘fly’ race by race.


McLaren is in a good position too, after having a bad season last year, not winning even a single race. They ‘snatched’ current champion Fernando Alonso from Renault, and then partnered him with a young promising Brit Lewis Hamilton. Both finished in the podium, which says that McLaren is strong too in terms of speed and reliability.


Renault, it is still Renault, less the pomp and glory minus Fernando Alonso. Only Flavio Briatore is keeping this team alive, with his on and off race comments. Giancarlo Fisichela should exert and assert himself as the leader of the team, based on his experience.


Honda is still the same, except for the very nice design of its car, the environmental concept. Not bad to dream about having a nice place to race on.


The rest of the pack, still they will catch up, as always year after year, in terms of speed, reliability, and the amount of work to achieve a winning car.


My bet for this year? It has always and forever will be RED, it will always be Ferrari. Almost everyone would love to have a Ferrari. Watching Formula1 is exciting, just like the first time I watched Schumi race live when our cable connection was installed. I just happen to see F1 and Schumi only in bits and pieces of news before, and now I have the TV at my disposal, since watching the race live requires me to be awake from midnight until 2 to 3 hours later, and no son and Cartoon Network to compete against during those hours.


Just happen to be disappointed that Michael has already retired.


So… Gentlemen… Start your engines…